mexrex

For you..

Exactly what you said the other day, youngest gets pushed to the back. When I was in elementary everything started to spiral with my family. Krystal was in and out of rehab, fighting with mom and father.. father was in and out of the house because he’d rather be at the bar or with other women. My mom got super sick at work because there was black mold in the building, dad couldn’t handle being with my mom when she was sick cause she literally couldn’t do anything for about 2 to 3 years.. she’s even a little depressed and on xanex now because of her work and my father being with this new woman yet thinking he can still just come and go from my mom’s life. I literally felt like tina hated me for the longest time because she was actually abusive to me. Krystal always puts everyone down, it’s like my dad beat the sympathy out of her. No one has really cared what I’ve done or payed to much attention to me, I started cutting in the 4th grade because of it. I’ve never felt too important to people. I’ve been watching the relationship I looked up, fail. I started investing all of my emotions and thoughts into putting myself down because I’ve always felt like god’s little joke to the world. I started looking at guys as maybe my way out, maybe if I could just find someone to love me it’d make everything better. The first guy I wanted to love me was damien in the 6th grade. It was the very first time I was used, the only reason he wanted to be with me and the only reason why he told me he loved me was because he wanted to take my virginity, he broke up with me because I wouldn’t let it happen. I then started to be permiscuous because I felt lik maybe I could find love if I just let them touch me. Kati was next, our relationship was the most abusive thing I’ve ever been through. We were always so mean to each other and we always made each other cut, this was a time when everything was low with everyone in my life. When we broke up she started going out with someone I was good friends with, this was the first time shit talking came into play, they were horrible to me and always put me down and said disgusting this to and about me. Freshmen year I finally fit into a group of friends and felt some sort of love, I also just gave up the only thing I had left, I lost my virginity in the worst way and to someone that wanted nothing to do with my afterwards. Dillion was in my life for too long just dragging me, always giving me faulse hope of us getting back together then ripping it away. Telling me everything I wanted to hear but never meaning any of it. Using me for sex and nothing but. ever since dillion I’ve built the biggest wall around me because I then felt like I wasn’t good enough for a relationship, I’m just a good fuck and can’t be loved. During the summer before my juinor year.. I’m not really sure what it was about school, but it made me want to kill myself. I’d go to the building and hate everyone there, hated class, hated the class work.. School was the one thing that triggard my depression becaue I was never good at school. I’m not dumb and I was okay at the work, but it was just something.. I don’t even know what it was but something about school and me didn’t work out, and that summer topped the cake. I didn’t even last two weeks before I tried to kill myself. I don’t let anything out, I hold all my feelings in because I never know how to feel or react, I’m a bad girlfriend because I always expect the worst things are going to happen. I feel like a burdon to my family and friends for always making them see me this way, so I wanted my out. Brandi and tyler took me to center point and my mom and dad showed up.. my dad didn’t even say one word to me when I was there and mom wouldn’t look at me without disgust on her face. I knew I shouldn’t of done it in the first place, but I couldn’t handle anymore. I got to research early Wednesday morning and I slept until 8 at night. Woke up, called mom, and wanted to be back home so bad. I wanted to tell dillion how much I hated him and would never forgive him. I wanted to hold isabella cause she was only a month and a half. I wanted so bad to just see angelica and jake. But being in that place actually worked. I’ll never do anything that will end me back there. I hurt a lot of people and realized I do have people that care. My mom has known I cut since early 6th grade and me being there, her having to sit there and listen to me talk to these doctor’s, She knew right then and there that she should of done something a long time ago, and the fact she apologized for the past made me feel incredable. then I met bryan.. within the first two months of us being together his mom died. Dillion’s mom died after we broke up, but this time I was there through it all, and I tried my best at helping him. We didn’t start fight until late october and then everything I thought was good went so down hill, and it wasn’t a pointing finger thing, now that I can lok back it was both of us, granted I could of done so many things different, it was just not working anymore. He didn’t talk to me for a over a month after we broke up, then finally I thought we were gonna be good cause he started coming around again. And I know I should of known better but I let him use me because I always let myself believe that maybe if I jut let them do whatever I’ll get them in the end,and everytime I think of my mom saying (why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free) he finally said we could talk again at the end of november.. then you told me about him and marissa and that was my last straw. I closed my heart and never wanted to open myself again because everything has always been the same for me. I fuck my own life up. I let all these crappy things happen to me and it’s my fault. I got drunk one night and though I could trust one of my friends and he raped me. I though I could trust jessica’s brother, and he almost raped me, I believe in people Way too much. I put my 100 into people and I have never gotten half that back. I do believe I’m nothing but a fuck and I do believe no one will ever truely love me the way I’ll truely love them. I know I’m only 18 and I know I’ll meet a million more people in my lifetime, but I’ve grown up wanting nothing more then someone by my side, my partner in crime, the clyde to my bonnie. Someone I can have no worries with.. but I’m too troubled and I haven’t let go of a lot in my life, that’s the anger and the arguing. I’d rather hold in every little thing then ever talk about my problems. I have to many skeloton’s for someone to love me, but I promise brandon. I will let go of it all. I need to start my new chapter and stop looking back. I just want you to be in this new chapter, not as just a friend, but the mac to my cheese. You are the person that’s making me realize all of this and I want you by my side to help me and hold me. There’s no excuse for the way I was acting, but I promise you’ll never see that side of me again. I just really need support if you want me to fix this. You’re the only person I’ve met that has ever made me feel like I actually should push forward. Other people talk to me and tell me things to help, but from the first day we met, just something about your ora makes me feel like I need to try my with my life, that I need to grow the fuck up and stop bitching about anything and everything, that I might be able to be loved if I just break my walls down. you’re thee best, most loving, handsome person to ever enter my life and I can’t forgive myself for doing this to you. I’m going to show you I’m not this mean hateful person I’ve been acting like lately. I’m gonna show you I’m actually worth it all.. I promise with my whole heart I will not let my depression or anything else ruin this. I really do love you brandon wayne, I’m just so terrified of this exact situation.. I want you, all of you, forever. I know we jumped so far into this and we should of slowed down, but you make me comfortable being exactly who I am.. no smoke, no drink.. nothing makes me feel the way I do when I get to look at your smile when you just look at me. I suck at this whole relationship thing, I ruin everything and anything good in my life.. I want it to stop now and have someone help me learn how to be me again. You’re so smart and independent. Even though you’re younger.. I look up to you in the biggest way. I took thee biggest leap of faith with you brandon, I promise to stop sucking at everything if you promise to not ever break my heart again.. I can’t deal with being let down or lied to.. I need to know you’re in this as much as I am. We both need our friends, but there are nights were all I wanna do is lay around and talk to you, get to know your life and ask weird questions. I’m done fighting and arguing, for good. No lies, no bullshit. I’m falling so in love and I want you to know, none of this is fake from me.